Introduction
When the "relationship contract" has been
broken by an infidelity in a gay couple's partnership, the foundation of
trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their
ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that's occurred, while
others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must
decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be
determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to
endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair.
Surviving
and healing from an affair is possible and requires both partners to
take responsibility and channel all their energies into repairing their
relationship. Part 1 of this 2-part article series addressed the
possible reasons why we cheat and the impact this can have on a
relationship. In this article, specific tips and strategies will be
offered for those couples who are motivated to overcome the non-monogamy
that has occurred in their relationship, thereby promoting their
chances for a successful resolution to this crisis.
Tips For The Man Who Was Cheated Upon
*
You are likely experiencing a lot of emotional ups and downs as you
process what's happened. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the
relationship you thought you had with your partner and be kind to
yourself. Ease the pain with self-nurturing activities. Also manage any
triggers that may signal unfinished business from the past for you (eg.
being cheated on by a former boyfriend) so this doesn't contaminate your
current relationship.
* Especially in the beginning, anticipate a
period of obsessing and being preoccupied with the affair and its
details. This is normal as you come to make sense of what's happened,
but set limits with yourself so as not to let it become all-consuming.
Keep your focus on the fact that your vision is to come through this a
stronger couple. Work hard at countering negative thoughts.
* It
could be easy to get stuck into feeling like "the victim." Avoid this by
identifying the role you may have played in the affair's existence.
While you're not responsible for your partner's choice to cheat, how may
you have contributed to the unfolding drama? Become an active
participant in making things better between the two of you.
* Your
partner made a mistake and is trying to make amends now. Don't make any
unfounded accusations or assumptions. Avoid blame, verbal aggression,
passive-aggressive "pay-backs", or behaviors aimed at making him feel
guilty or attempts to punish him. This will only create more division
and nobody will feel any better. Find healthy outlets for your anger and
hurt. And don't turn on yourself either. Identify what you need to be
able to forgive him and yourself.
* Your biggest challenge is
going to be risking being emotionally vulnerable again with your
partner. This will take time. Pace the relationship at a rate where you
can gradually "let him back in" again. Have your boundaries to protect
your heart, but not so solidly-built that he has no chance of proving
his trust and commitment to you. As time passes and your trust
strengthens, the boundaries can loosen.
Tips For The Man Who Cheated
*
First and foremost, end any and all third-party relationships. No more
contact! Your relationship won't have a chance if it's competing for
your attention and energy. You may need time to grieve the loss of your
relationship with your lover depending on if there was an emotional
attachment.
* You're human and made a mistake. Avoid beating up on
yourself and channel that energy into your partner and rebuilding a
relationship with him. Take responsibility for your indiscretion and
identify the reasons behind the affair. Develop a plan of action so it
never happens again.
* Your partner is hurting and requires your
support. He will likely go through a period where he asks you a barrage
of questions about a whole host of issues pertaining to the infidelity.
His distrust in you will take such forms as suspiciousness and
insecurity. Even when you feel like you can't take it anymore, it's
important to tolerate his moods and answer his questions honestly and
non-defensively. This is part of his healing process that he needs to go
through and helps to plant the seeds of his beginning to trust you
again.
* Be aware that your partner will most likely be afraid to
re-commit to you. Focus your efforts on regaining his trust, communicate
more, acknowledge and validate his feelings, and help him to feel
special and wanted.
Tips For The Recovering Gay Couple
*
Make your relationship the #1 priority! Work hard at identifying and
meeting each other's needs, increase communication, and negotiate your
differences. Never take the relationship for granted again and keep it
alive with shared, meaningful experiences and rituals. No more secrets!
*
"Court" each other all over again. Set a "first date" and build from
there. Encourage each other and share your appreciations for one another
frequently.
* Be cautious about telling too many of the people in
your support system about the affair. This can create additional
stressors for you with the possibility of torn loyalties being created
and your relationship not being supported. Keep your boundaries on this
private couple issue and be very selective in who you confide in.
*
Becoming sexual again with each other could be a "loaded" issue here
because of the infidelity. Ease into this if you're not comfortable and
start with nonsexual expressions of affection first to re-establish the
foundation of intimacy. Be sure to communicate your expectations about
monogamy vs. non-monogamy in your relationship moving forward.
Conclusion
It's
not always easy, but relationships do triumph over infidelity, and you
can even come out better and stronger if approached the right way. Don't
hesitate to contact a couple's therapist who specializes in gay
relationships if you still struggle with "putting the pieces back
together" again. View the affair as a wake-up call to attend to the
unmet needs and unresolved issues that likely exist between the two of
you. Finally, patience and dedication is key and keep focused on your
vision for the type of relationship with each other that you're
ultimately dreaming of...and make it happen!
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