Introduction
Nothing destroys the foundation of trust
and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay
community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual
expression. Without social norms precluding what's sexually appropriate
or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a
position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their
relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a "relationship
contract" of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about
monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For those couples who have agreed to be
monogamous, a partner's affair with another man can create a whirlwind
of chaos and pain--and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship
itself.
While many relationships don't survive an affair because
of the difficulties involved in working through the betrayal and broken
trust, many others are able to overcome the challenges and are able to
cultivate an even better partnership than they'd had before. A couple
can triumph over an affair! Part 1 of this article will examine the
reasons behind an affair, and Part 2 will offer some practical tips on
healing and moving forward for those couples who have decided to try and
salvage their relationships.
He Cheated On Me!
When a
lover cheats and the affair is revealed or discovered, the two men in
the couple relationship both go through a grieving process. The
psychology of the issues involved for each man in the couple is
different, but there is a common backdrop of pain and shattered trust.
Disillusionment sets in, and a flood of various emotions erupts. Anger,
betrayal, guilt, disgust, defensiveness, depression, and numbness and
shock are common emotional reactions, to just name a few.
You
become preoccupied with the affair, unable to think of anything else and
it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and
images your mind conjures up. Everything you thought you knew and
believed in now comes into question and you can feel lost, confused, and
abandoned. You wonder what's been real and what's been a farce from the
inception of your relationship. Your self-esteem is wounded, you feel
deceived, and your world feels like it's been turned upside down. The
sense of loss is profound and can be traumatizing. You then contemplate
whether the relationship is worth fighting for.
Why We Are Unfaithful
Statistics
among all sexual orientations indicate that infidelity is pervasive.
There are many different reasons why we gay men may cheat on our
partners. While certainly the problem may stem from one man in the
couple (eg. sexual addiction), in my clinical experience, I have seen
more cases of infidelity arising as a symptom of something that's
troubling the relationship. The following are some possible underlying
factors that contribute to the straying outside our primary
relationships:
·fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a
way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being
suffocated by one's partner
·lack of gay monogamous role models
·low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one's attractiveness and self-worth
·boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety
·easy sexual access and availability
·society,
and gay culture itself, sexualizing gay men (just look at the ads in
your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)
·unhappiness
in one's relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; emotional distance
in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because "something's
missing"; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and
validation that one feels he's not getting from his partner
·sexual problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy
·sexual
addiction, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or
unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior
history of infidelity
·purposeful attempt to hurt one's partner (power-plays, "I'll show him! I'll get back at him by sleeping with...")
·incompatibility with one's partner; differing life philosophies and needs
Men
in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and
susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being
able to separate sex from emotions during sex.
These reasons are
certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for
having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in
beginning to problem-solve ways of "treating the symptoms" so that your
relationship has a chance of successfully moving forward. No two affairs
are alike, so it's important to understand your unique relationship
situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent
you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.
Conclusion
In
Part 2 of this article (coming in the next Couple's Edition of the
newsletter), specific tips and strategies will be given for the man who
cheated, the man who was cheated upon, and for the couple as a whole for
rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. In the
interim, if you and your partner are in this situation of dealing with
an infidelity, contemplate the following questions and points:
·What does this affair mean to our relationship? What led up to it? Why did it happen?
·In
what ways did each of us contribute to this happening? What role did we
each play and what are our responsibilities? What's missing in our
relationship? What needs work? What did we learn about ourselves as a
result of this experience?
·Can I forgive my partner and myself
for what's happened? How does this all mesh with my personal
requirements for a partner and relationship?
·What do we need to do differently to ensure that this never happens again?
Remember
that you are both suffering and that you both need extra support,
reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you are
truly committed to repairing your relationship, keep blame,
finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment out of the mix. There's
been enough pain already. Develop a vision for a positive outcome as a
couple and keep centered on that as you go through the difficult
grieving tasks involved in getting back on track again. And you can!
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